Do You Like the Taut Roundness That Exercise Brings to the Buttocks?

(*Side Note: This blog was originally written and posted on June 27, 2007 - before "Indiana Jones and The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull" or whatever it was called came out. In hindsight, I would have preferred to see old Indy drive a huge Volvo into an outdoor market.*)



I'm a fun-loving person. I enjoy penny-whistles and moon pies as much as the next short guy. Or girl, rather. Or.....ummm.....robot. That reminds me – Get Robot Insurance. Contact your local Sam Waterston for further information. Residency restrictions may apply. Must be 18 or older to order. Women who are, or may become pregnant should not obtain Robot Insurance, nor should they speak to Sam Waterston.

So I have mixed feeling when it comes to the elderly. They're kind of cute when they think that touch-tone phones are cutting edge. And when they still try to force purse-candy on you even when you're pushing 30. Purse-candy = root beer barrels, cinnamon discs, and star mints - all sticky with age, complete with pieces of pink tissue stuck to them.

But, you know, they're not so cute when they spontaneously forget that they're behind the wheel of a gigantic Volvo and go careening into family picnics and outdoor markets. Or when they try to get on the highway by traveling UP an off-ramp, despite the huge, red DO NOT ENTER signs. And not-so-cute when they think they can get away with being rude and repugnant simply because they're a little closer to looking like The Mummy than the rest of us.

Yet it's very cute when they get away with shoplifting. I love that!

Old people. Yup.

So let's talk about Harrison Ford. The man is old. O – L – D. He was once very dapper, but now he's getting warty and saggy because that's what happens when you get old. Yet they're making another Indiana Jones movie...? Don't get me wrong, I LOVE the Illinois Smith, I mean Indiana Jones movies. I have fond memories of not being allowed to watch the Nazi Face-Melt Fiesta at the end of "Raiders of the Lost Ark." And I was also told to cover my eyes when the Nazi collaborator drinks from the wrong Jesus Cup and rapidly degrades into a desiccated husk towards the end of "The Last Crusade."

Ah....good times. Nazi face melts, ersatz Jesus Cup that causes advanced husk-age, and Molaram Sularam Hoodeedoo Jabooty Flipflop ripping out still-beating hearts. Those were some magic Hollywood moments, right there.

Great movies. Great leading man. But now he is OLD. What's the title of this new Jones film going to be? "Indiana Jones and the Lost Secret of the AARP"? "Indiana Jones and The Escape From Shady Acres Retirement Home"? "Indiana Jones and The Search For A Country Kitchen Buffet"? "Indiana Jones and The Huge Fuck-Off Volvo That He'll Drive Into Oncoming Traffic When He Suddenly Becomes Disoriented"?

Actually, I'd pay to see all of those movies, so I guess the joke is on me.

Let's keep in mind, however, that not only is Harrison Ford OLD, but he is also married to the illegitimate offspring of Gollum and Twiggy. Not too many people know this, but Gollum and Twiggy had a "thing" back in the Swingin' 60's. It was damn good times for a while, but then Gollum's increasing drug use and violent mood swings eventually led to disaster. Tragically, on the day Twiggy finally got up the nerve to leave Gollum, she was struck by a toddler riding a Big Wheel, and was instantly crushed on impact.

It was a wake-up call for Gollum, who legally changed his name to Sméagol, and he suddenly became dedicated to raising their infant child, Calista, in a good stable environment.

Those were some great years for father and daughter, but true to his nature, Sméagol fell back into old habits once Calista left for college. Eventually, he went quite mad and fell into a colossal fiery mountain precipice while fighting with a cute muffin-faced short guy who may or may not have been part of Sméagol's drug-induced hallucination. Or maybe it was that kid from "Flipper"....

Everyone said it was the burning hot lava that killed him, but 'twas truly the drugs that did him in. Or maybe it was the magma. Who among us can really say? But if he had only loved Twiggy enough, it never would've happened! Why Sméagol??!! WHY?!!!

But on a happier note, Calista went on to star in an annoyingly quirky T.V. lawyer show where she routinely had strange mood swings and frequent hallucinations (sound familiar?). After one too many spear-chucking, opaque, dancing baby hallucinations, and an incredible upstaging by Lucy Liu, "Quirky T.V. Lawyer Show" was canceled.

But Calista moved on. She starred, or rather was part of a large ensemble cast, in many.... or a few.....ummm.....one decent movie. Then, soon after, she married a man older than Gandalf. Sméagol would've been so happy for her. As for Twiggy, I believe it was scientifically proven that she was too thin to express emotion, so she would've been happy on the inside. Awwww!

Where was I? Oh right. Stay in school.



With Sincerest Sincerity,
-The Cage.