It's a Slippery Slope and There's No "I" in "Team"

I have recently come the conclusion, drawing on hard evidence this time and not just my usual specious reasoning, that the number 10 gets far too much attention. So I've decided to only give the number 10 kudos if and when I see the "10 couple."

10 couple - (adj. or noun) One part of the couple is perfectly round, rotund, and often squat; the other part is lanky, usually tall, and thinner than a lamp post. More often than not, the female is the rotund half.

This phenomenon is something I encounter often. I'm not sure why. In any case, I wish them well. But let's get back to the number 10 and its unfounded esteem. Damn near every list of favorites/winners is the "Top Ten blah blah blah." I say NO MORE of this blatant numerical favortism!

So I'm starting my own ranking list called "My Official Top Sevens." I've written a few for you already and here they are for your viewing pleasure. Or displeasure. Whatever you want.

In the future, I may post more. We'll see. HOWEVER, if you, the reader, would like me, the writer, to write a Top Seven list with a topic of your choosing, I would be more than happy to do so. Just shoot it my way in a comment, along with your full name, address, blood type, PIN number, and social security number and I will get right on it.

Without further ado, I present.....

My Official Top Sevens, Volume 1

The Top Seven Worse Places To Get A Paper Cut

1. The very soft flesh between your fingers.

2. Right across the knuckle.

3. Your upper lip.

4. The small area where the top of your philtrum connects to the nostrils.

5. The arm crease (opposite side of the elbow).

6. Across the protruding, prominent tendon in your wrist, right at the base of your palm.

7. The very tip of the tongue.


The Top Seven Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Dentist Say

1. Okay, let's see here: 29, 30, 31, 32.... And, um, 33? What the???

2. For the love of god and all that is holy, DO NOT SWALLOW!!

3. Haha! Wow! My vision sure ain't what it used to be, I'll tell ya!

4. Isn't this drill piece amazing? It's considered an antique, you know. It's part of the de Sade Collection.

5. I kind of forgot to put that heavy lead vest on you before the x-rays....but don't worry! I mean, you should be fine. Your heartbeat doesn't feel erratic or anything, right?

6. (Right before a lengthy, painful procedure) I would really hate to be you right now. But try to relax nevertheless.

7. The palsy has been acting up something fierce this past week! Okay, shall we get started?


The Top Seven Songs That, If You Know All The Lyrics To, You Should Be a Little Concerned

1. Any of the songs featured in "The Sound of Music."

2. "I Don't Want To Wait," by Paula Cole.

3. "Let's Get Together," the insipid song sung by Hayley Mills in the original Parent Trap.

4. "Your Body Is a Wonderland," by that really boring average guy that everyone loves.

5. "What If God Was One of Us," by that poodle haired girl who only had that one hit. You know, the one with the nose ring....?

6. "Hello (Is It Me You're Looking For?)," by Lionel Richie

7. "You're Beautiful," by that guy who, for the longest time, I thought was a woman.


The Top Seven Most Disgusting Things Found Under A Couch Cushion

1. A large toenail clipping with dried blood and pus blob still clinging to one edge.

2. Crusty tissue with an unidentifiable flaky substance trapped inside.

3. A moldy cheese hunk complete with teeth marks.

4. Old limp band-aids with scabs still attached.

5. Cat regurgitations (either puke or hair logs).

6. Dirty tighty-whiteys complete with skid-marks and old urine stains.

7. Tighty-whiteys in general. Constricted balls. Ewww.


The Top Seven Under-Appreciated Parts of the Human Body (Both Internal and External)

1. The big toe.

2. Fingernails.

3. The liver. (This guy can bounce back from an INCREDIBLE amount of damage. It's nothing short of miraculous.)

4. The mandible (lower part of the jaw). You have no idea how badly it can hurt if this little fucker isn't lined up right.

5. The small hairs that line the nasal cavity. (I know that they can be revolting on some people, mainly old men, but thank god we have them. I'd rather not have a cold 347 days out of the year.)

6. That little calloused bump that forms usually on the side of your middle finger or index finger, commonly called the "writer's callous." Not everyone has one, but they should, goddamn it.

7. The epiglottis. (I have a faulty epiglottis, and all of you out there who have normal epiglottises should be grateful. You have no idea what a pain in the ass it is to take a big old swig of liquid and have your epiglottis react just one second too late. I once sprayed my sister's friend with a mouthful of root beer when my epiglottis decided take a little nap. She was none too pleased.)


Okay, presently that's all I have. I feel a little like Andy Rooney now, so I think I'll go lay down until that feeling goes away. Maybe I'll call my sponsor.


Good Tidings to you,
From your loving uncle,
The Cage.

I Found Myself Driving Past Convenience Stores......That Weren't on the Way Home.

"These [balloons] blow up into funny shapes and all?"
"Well, no.....unless round is funny."


I've done a few drugs - I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to try to defend my bizarre ranting. I've written a few while intoxicated with this, that, and/or the other. I haven't done anything too illegal, don't worry. I'm not going to end up penniless, bloated, face-down in a murky Cuban gutter or anything cool like that. How Hemingway would that be, though? Sweet.

Nah, I'll probably die either in some really confusing way or in an incredibly mundane way. I would prefer the confusing way, because at least confusing is something – mundane is just....well, it's just mundane. I don't do that whole humdrum thing – just thinking about the ordinary makes me all agitated and fidgety, which is probably why I put off doing the everyday things for as long as humanly possible. I may have mentioned this before, and if I have, it's about time I mentioned it again: I have honed my procrastination skills into an ART FORM. I kid you not. I'm the envy of every teenager and twenty-something bachelor, which is so sad I think I'm going to just end it all.

Kidding. But at least this gets me back on track – the cheery topic of death. Someone like me has two ends in sight: confusing or mundane. And since I'm vetoing mundane, let's go with confusing. (Let me give you quick examples of mundane ways to die: I'm 93 and had a stroke in my sleep. BOOOORING. Oops! Fell down the stairs and broke my neck. Tragic. Sudden. Completely uninteresting.) Okay, now let's get to the fun stuff – confusing ways to die, my future:

- A porcupine has found some random mushroom to which I have a non-preexisting allergy. It has managed to get some of this mushroom's oils and whatnot on its quills. It wanders into my backyard, mistakes me for a bloodhound, and punctures my epidermis and dermis with previously mentioned offending quills. I swell up like a balloon (the funny round kind), and with no concentrated benedryl or an EpiPen on hand, I go into shock and die. And when my relatives try to explain how I died, each person will have the look of "quoi?" on their face.

- One of my personal favorites: dying of a disease that NO ONE gets anymore. Or dying of something that wouldn't even kill a frail elderly man who lives in a sterile bubble. Like influenza. Not weird fuck-all influenza, like that bird flu or swine flu – but just plain old, once every winter influenza. Or bursitis. Who dies of bursitis? No one, that's who!! Until I come along. Or maybe leprosy will kill me off....or small pox. (Yes, I understand that in some 3rd world countries people still get small pox, but even then, one does not hear too much from old Uncle Small Pox these days.) And everyone will say, "Wait. What did she die of? I didn't think people could even get that anymore..." Or, "She died of what?! That's not even MILDLY lethal!" Confusing as all hell.

- OR I will get killed by something completely harmless, like a bunch of house cats. Or a school of rainbow trout. Or perhaps a family of field mice. Or maybe I will unwittingly get too close to a swan's nest and six swans will come out of nowhere and flap and pummel me to death. Actually, I wonder if anyone has been killed by a swan. They're generally harmless, but ornery as all get out. I wouldn't put it past one to try to kill someone. I once got an up close and personal view of the inside of a swan's mouth. Ever see the movie "Little Shop of Horrors"? Well, the inside of a swan's mouth looks just like the inside of Audrey 2's mouth. If you haven't seen said movie, then cut open a very large eggplant. It's basically a swan's mouth in there.

So oddly enough, this blog was supposed to be about television and the weird shit I used to watch. But obviously things didn't pan out that way. Oh well. Such is the creative process. Anyway, I have that blog, or at least the outline of that blog, already ready, already! So expect that one soon.

Actually, you know what? Don't expect that one. I'm really not very reliable when it comes to this whole blog writing thing. My next one may have nothing to do with television, and it may not even appear all that soon. Remain ever neutral in your expectations. That's what all the good little Jedi Knights do. Or so I hear. But my source isn't very reliable. Fucking Lando Calrissian!


May the Force be with you,
The Cage.