It's a Slippery Slope and There's No "I" in "Team"

I have recently come the conclusion, drawing on hard evidence this time and not just my usual specious reasoning, that the number 10 gets far too much attention. So I've decided to only give the number 10 kudos if and when I see the "10 couple."

10 couple - (adj. or noun) One part of the couple is perfectly round, rotund, and often squat; the other part is lanky, usually tall, and thinner than a lamp post. More often than not, the female is the rotund half.

This phenomenon is something I encounter often. I'm not sure why. In any case, I wish them well. But let's get back to the number 10 and its unfounded esteem. Damn near every list of favorites/winners is the "Top Ten blah blah blah." I say NO MORE of this blatant numerical favortism!

So I'm starting my own ranking list called "My Official Top Sevens." I've written a few for you already and here they are for your viewing pleasure. Or displeasure. Whatever you want.

In the future, I may post more. We'll see. HOWEVER, if you, the reader, would like me, the writer, to write a Top Seven list with a topic of your choosing, I would be more than happy to do so. Just shoot it my way in a comment, along with your full name, address, blood type, PIN number, and social security number and I will get right on it.

Without further ado, I present.....

My Official Top Sevens, Volume 1

The Top Seven Worse Places To Get A Paper Cut

1. The very soft flesh between your fingers.

2. Right across the knuckle.

3. Your upper lip.

4. The small area where the top of your philtrum connects to the nostrils.

5. The arm crease (opposite side of the elbow).

6. Across the protruding, prominent tendon in your wrist, right at the base of your palm.

7. The very tip of the tongue.


The Top Seven Things You Don't Want to Hear Your Dentist Say

1. Okay, let's see here: 29, 30, 31, 32.... And, um, 33? What the???

2. For the love of god and all that is holy, DO NOT SWALLOW!!

3. Haha! Wow! My vision sure ain't what it used to be, I'll tell ya!

4. Isn't this drill piece amazing? It's considered an antique, you know. It's part of the de Sade Collection.

5. I kind of forgot to put that heavy lead vest on you before the x-rays....but don't worry! I mean, you should be fine. Your heartbeat doesn't feel erratic or anything, right?

6. (Right before a lengthy, painful procedure) I would really hate to be you right now. But try to relax nevertheless.

7. The palsy has been acting up something fierce this past week! Okay, shall we get started?


The Top Seven Songs That, If You Know All The Lyrics To, You Should Be a Little Concerned

1. Any of the songs featured in "The Sound of Music."

2. "I Don't Want To Wait," by Paula Cole.

3. "Let's Get Together," the insipid song sung by Hayley Mills in the original Parent Trap.

4. "Your Body Is a Wonderland," by that really boring average guy that everyone loves.

5. "What If God Was One of Us," by that poodle haired girl who only had that one hit. You know, the one with the nose ring....?

6. "Hello (Is It Me You're Looking For?)," by Lionel Richie

7. "You're Beautiful," by that guy who, for the longest time, I thought was a woman.


The Top Seven Most Disgusting Things Found Under A Couch Cushion

1. A large toenail clipping with dried blood and pus blob still clinging to one edge.

2. Crusty tissue with an unidentifiable flaky substance trapped inside.

3. A moldy cheese hunk complete with teeth marks.

4. Old limp band-aids with scabs still attached.

5. Cat regurgitations (either puke or hair logs).

6. Dirty tighty-whiteys complete with skid-marks and old urine stains.

7. Tighty-whiteys in general. Constricted balls. Ewww.


The Top Seven Under-Appreciated Parts of the Human Body (Both Internal and External)

1. The big toe.

2. Fingernails.

3. The liver. (This guy can bounce back from an INCREDIBLE amount of damage. It's nothing short of miraculous.)

4. The mandible (lower part of the jaw). You have no idea how badly it can hurt if this little fucker isn't lined up right.

5. The small hairs that line the nasal cavity. (I know that they can be revolting on some people, mainly old men, but thank god we have them. I'd rather not have a cold 347 days out of the year.)

6. That little calloused bump that forms usually on the side of your middle finger or index finger, commonly called the "writer's callous." Not everyone has one, but they should, goddamn it.

7. The epiglottis. (I have a faulty epiglottis, and all of you out there who have normal epiglottises should be grateful. You have no idea what a pain in the ass it is to take a big old swig of liquid and have your epiglottis react just one second too late. I once sprayed my sister's friend with a mouthful of root beer when my epiglottis decided take a little nap. She was none too pleased.)


Okay, presently that's all I have. I feel a little like Andy Rooney now, so I think I'll go lay down until that feeling goes away. Maybe I'll call my sponsor.


Good Tidings to you,
From your loving uncle,
The Cage.