I Found Myself Driving Past Convenience Stores......That Weren't on the Way Home.

"These [balloons] blow up into funny shapes and all?"
"Well, no.....unless round is funny."


I've done a few drugs - I'm not going to lie. I'm not going to try to defend my bizarre ranting. I've written a few while intoxicated with this, that, and/or the other. I haven't done anything too illegal, don't worry. I'm not going to end up penniless, bloated, face-down in a murky Cuban gutter or anything cool like that. How Hemingway would that be, though? Sweet.

Nah, I'll probably die either in some really confusing way or in an incredibly mundane way. I would prefer the confusing way, because at least confusing is something – mundane is just....well, it's just mundane. I don't do that whole humdrum thing – just thinking about the ordinary makes me all agitated and fidgety, which is probably why I put off doing the everyday things for as long as humanly possible. I may have mentioned this before, and if I have, it's about time I mentioned it again: I have honed my procrastination skills into an ART FORM. I kid you not. I'm the envy of every teenager and twenty-something bachelor, which is so sad I think I'm going to just end it all.

Kidding. But at least this gets me back on track – the cheery topic of death. Someone like me has two ends in sight: confusing or mundane. And since I'm vetoing mundane, let's go with confusing. (Let me give you quick examples of mundane ways to die: I'm 93 and had a stroke in my sleep. BOOOORING. Oops! Fell down the stairs and broke my neck. Tragic. Sudden. Completely uninteresting.) Okay, now let's get to the fun stuff – confusing ways to die, my future:

- A porcupine has found some random mushroom to which I have a non-preexisting allergy. It has managed to get some of this mushroom's oils and whatnot on its quills. It wanders into my backyard, mistakes me for a bloodhound, and punctures my epidermis and dermis with previously mentioned offending quills. I swell up like a balloon (the funny round kind), and with no concentrated benedryl or an EpiPen on hand, I go into shock and die. And when my relatives try to explain how I died, each person will have the look of "quoi?" on their face.

- One of my personal favorites: dying of a disease that NO ONE gets anymore. Or dying of something that wouldn't even kill a frail elderly man who lives in a sterile bubble. Like influenza. Not weird fuck-all influenza, like that bird flu or swine flu – but just plain old, once every winter influenza. Or bursitis. Who dies of bursitis? No one, that's who!! Until I come along. Or maybe leprosy will kill me off....or small pox. (Yes, I understand that in some 3rd world countries people still get small pox, but even then, one does not hear too much from old Uncle Small Pox these days.) And everyone will say, "Wait. What did she die of? I didn't think people could even get that anymore..." Or, "She died of what?! That's not even MILDLY lethal!" Confusing as all hell.

- OR I will get killed by something completely harmless, like a bunch of house cats. Or a school of rainbow trout. Or perhaps a family of field mice. Or maybe I will unwittingly get too close to a swan's nest and six swans will come out of nowhere and flap and pummel me to death. Actually, I wonder if anyone has been killed by a swan. They're generally harmless, but ornery as all get out. I wouldn't put it past one to try to kill someone. I once got an up close and personal view of the inside of a swan's mouth. Ever see the movie "Little Shop of Horrors"? Well, the inside of a swan's mouth looks just like the inside of Audrey 2's mouth. If you haven't seen said movie, then cut open a very large eggplant. It's basically a swan's mouth in there.

So oddly enough, this blog was supposed to be about television and the weird shit I used to watch. But obviously things didn't pan out that way. Oh well. Such is the creative process. Anyway, I have that blog, or at least the outline of that blog, already ready, already! So expect that one soon.

Actually, you know what? Don't expect that one. I'm really not very reliable when it comes to this whole blog writing thing. My next one may have nothing to do with television, and it may not even appear all that soon. Remain ever neutral in your expectations. That's what all the good little Jedi Knights do. Or so I hear. But my source isn't very reliable. Fucking Lando Calrissian!


May the Force be with you,
The Cage.