What's a Little Boy Like You Doing With Big Boy Smut Like This?

"My daddy was the family bassman
My mamma was an engineer
And I was born one dark gray morn
With music coming in my ears
In my ears.
They call me Baby Driver
And once upon a pair of wheels
Hit the road and I'm gone......"


They didn't call me Baby Driver, though. No one does, much to my bowed-head, lowered-eyes, tear-soaked-pillow, melancholy-ridden disappointment. I would, however, much further down the Yellow Brick Road of Life (any short jokes about me being the Mayor of Munchkin Land or the choreographer for the Lullaby League will be reported to my Professional "Manservant," Warner) be christened Cage the Duke. How impressive is that?!

If your answer is "not very," then proceed directly to number 3.
If your answer is "cataclysmically impressive," then continue reading on to the next paragraph.
If your answer is "gee, sort of impressive, I guess," proceed directly to number 17.

Names. I'm into names. I like that they all mean something - not quite to a "Close Encounters" plate of mashed potatoes extent, but they do mean something. Of course, it's not always as direct and descriptive a meaning as Native American's have, like "Quiet Breeze That Ripples The Meadow," or "Watchful Eye of The Soaring Eagle," or "Mighty Testicle of The Mating Buffalo," or my personal favorite, "Smells Like Otter Urine."

I just read a book that briefly featured an Esquimaux (the Old English, stuffy, pedantic way to spell Eskimo) woman whose name, roughly translated, meant "Very Large Tits." I kid you not.

Very Large Tits, I'd like you to meet Mighty Testicle of The Mating Buffalo. I think you guys will have a lot to talk about. Go on now! Oh, I love those crazy kids.

#3 - Pssht! Neither was your mom, jackass.

Where was I? Oh yeah, very large buffalo testicles.

Wait, no - NAMES! Our names aren't as descriptive as Native American names. But maybe that's a good thing. Nearly every male college student's name would mean either "Wearer of Much Stink-Juice And Shirts With Girly Collars" or "Slipper of Pills Into Fire-Water While Squaw's Back Is Turned." As for the girls - "Hollow Space Between Ears Where Wind Makes Low Whistling Sound," or "Giggles At Nothing," or "Majors In Communications."

HAHAHA!! Just kidding, Communications Majors! You guys are great! The world needs more.....umm.....communicators.

What really sucks is when your name means something incredibly idiotic. Like Beverly. Beverly means "Beaver Meadow." YEESH!! That's almost as bad as "Very Large Tits." Why don't you just name your kid "Vagina Grass"? Or "Munches on Carpet"?

And Mary. Mary (and all variations of Mary, like Marian) means "Sea of Bitterness." Good lord, what a bring down! Just name your kid "Curse of Humanity" or "Lead Balloon." In a side note, I've met several girls named Mary. They were all 100% insane. Not in a life-of-the-party type insane, more like certifiably insane.

#17 - Sort of impressive, you guess?? Take a stand, you jello-giggler, spinal tap of a prodigious limp noodle! That's like saying something is "sort of awe-inspiring." If it's only a little awe-inspiring, why use the word awe-inspiring? There's already a word for that, it's called "intriguing." What was my point? Oh yeah - believe in Jesus.

Moving on, if you have very earth-loving, nature-type people (*cough hippies cough cough*) as parents, I'm sure they made it very easy for you to figure out what your name means. You're probably named "Rain Melon," or "Moonbeam," or "Color Spirit," or "Soleil Moonfry," or my favorites, and your parents' favorites as well, I'd imagine- "Shrooms" and/or "MaryJane."

I'd also imagine that, in addition to being silly enough to name you "Whispering Flower," your parents also smell kind of funny. That's what happens when you use wheat grass and chamomile ginger root shampoo and eat nothing but soy and organic peanut butter. You end up smelling like a pickled burrito every time you sweat. Give me chemicals any day of the week! Steaks, cheese, Pantene Pro-V, and Degree Deodorant/Antiperspirant! HUZZAH!!!

I also like taboo names, like Judas. Sure, we have variations of Judas, like Jude and Judah - but no one names their kid Judas! And no American would ever name their kid Benedict. The Brits still do, but the name carries no stigma for them. And when was the last time you encountered an Adolf?

If I ever have children, god forbid because children just don't mesh well with me, I'm going to name them Judas, Benedict, and Adolf. Even if they're girls. No, strike that. ESPECIALLY if they're girls! And I'll name my boy Jezebel. Or Condoleezza. Ah, the inevitable therapy bills that would hound me into senectitude.....

Personally, I think I got off easy in the name department. My real name has a number of meanings, as most names do, but none of them are terribly embarrassing (like Beaver Meadow *snicker*) The Hebrew, and therefore the oldest, meaning is "God is My Judge," which doesn't really bode too well for yours truly! I have no doubt I'll be heading straight for the 9th Circle of Hell. At least my kids - Judas, Benedict, Adolf, and Condoleezza - will be there to keep me company by the Lake of Burning Sulfur. We have a time share.

Pew. Something's burning. It smells like pickled burritos......burnt ones. My foot hurts. Can I go to the nurse? I'm leaving, bzzzzzzzzzzt!


Green with envy,
the Ever-Punctual Cage (aka Whispering Flower).